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September 7, 2009

My Resolutions And The Girl-I've-Never-Met-Properly's Retorts

People don’t like me. They loathe me. They are irritated with the way I am. My mum tells me if I stay the way I am, I shall find it difficult to survive in this world. I relate with the trailers of ‘Wake Up Sid’, and I realize that being such a great shirker is not at all a good thing. I have realized I need to be a certain way to exist in today’s world, I have realized I need to be just another brick in the wall, because if I tend to differ, the world will point out how horribly mindfucking an undoing I am to the entire aesthetic beauty of the wall, and will not allow me to rest until I have camouflaged myself according to how the rulebooks would have me be.

Thus, I have resolved to change myself in the following ways.

College Resolutions :
1. I will attend all classes, including the pass classes.
2. I will not climb the tree adjacent to the canteen
3. I will not apply hair-gel
4. I will not play hide-and-seek
5. I will not hit girls back when they hit me
6. I will not get a camera to college
7. I will not visit the tank
8. I will not order soft-drinks in the canteen
9. I will take down notes, buy atleast a few books
10. I will not shout, laugh out loudly , won’t be ‘loud’ in general
11. I will not pair any of my classmates up with other people just to tease them
12. I will stay within my limits
13. I will not dance to vulgar steps a la the ‘Raat Ke Dhai Baje’ Step
14. I will not wear shorts(esp. checked ones) to college
15. I will wear tees to college, only full-sleeved shirts
16. I will not wear a hair-band to college
17. I will not photograph anyone without their permission
18. I will not behave like a girl
19. I will not smile like there’s no tomorrow
20. I will not go “Goggiieee” when I see the pups near the canteen
21. I will never visit the Quadrangle
22. I will respect my seniors
23. I will respect everyone’s feelings even if they don’t respect mine
24. I will call no one names even if I find them bitching about me.
25. I will be a career-oriented person.
26. I will be best friends with Pranabes Dutta
27. I will try to like Sambojyoti Biswas , will not think of him as filth
28. I will not check out girls
29. I will not wear slippers to college, only 1990’s cheap-shoes.
30. I will not raindance infront of professors.

Life Resolutions:
1. I will not want to be Peter Pan
2. I will not dream of making movies
3. I will not go looking for Neverland
4. I will not drink coffee
5. I will get hair-cuts on time
6. I will not make anti-Assamese racist jokes
7. I will not switch on the fan when my mom is cold
8. I will not play Farmville
9. I will not relate with the black-sheep while playing Farmville
10. I will try to give up on Facebooking
11. I will not use nyaka-lingo like ‘nyaka’, ‘re’, ‘Ahare’
12. I will hate Hindi, because it is cool to.
13. I will hate Bangla, because it is cool to.
14. I will hate Hindi and Bangla, even though I love them both, because English is for the cool-kids
15. I will not be such an uncool-kid
16. I will love army-movies
17. I will hate the Faraway Tree because I’m a kid no longer
18. I will hate the Harry Potter series because it is a sell-out
19. I will dislike Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay
20. I will support homosexuality in a debate-competition and then later laugh about gay people
21. I will not ask for Ray-Ban sunglasses
22. I will not like Joan Baez
23. I will not whine if my iTunes doesn’t read my iPod
24. I will be politically aware
25. I will hate the rain because adults face a lot of inconvenience whenever it rains
26. I will hate Bollywood because it stoops down to plagiarism, and Hollywood doesn’t(nevermind those countless reproductions of K-horror and J-horror flicks)
27. I will be responsible
28. I will not sleep till 1 pm
29. I will not want to consume bullets for breakfast and piranhas for lunch
30. I will not compose insanely sugar-coated poems like Colourfly
31. I will remember that triphenylmethyl radical was the first free radical discovered
32. I will remember that only losers are interested in the love stories of their favorite actors
33. I will not confuse Gauss’s Theorem with Ampere’s Circuital law
34. I will know how to differentiate and double-differentiate functions that resemble the Russian script.
35. I will not be skeptical about Obama’s intentions.
36. I will always think, ‘Yes, I can’. Only losers are ever insecure.
37. I will not show-off that I know the capitals of most of the countries of today’s segregated world
38. I will truly repent that I never took my engineering Joint-entrance exams despite scoring a 93.5% with sciences in my School-final(ISC) exams.
39. I will not want to be a globe-trotter
40. I will be happy to end up with a job in an office-cubicle
41. I will be a typical Bangali, and like Maachh-bhaat
42. I will not be proud of my Jharkhand-small town upbringing. I will only talk about my Army upbringing.
43. I will not like Calcutta because it is a laid-back city, despite the fact that this very city has been home to my grandparents, and parents and my sister and me.
44. I will pretend that I hated Biology in school since guys who like it are effeminate
45. I will like Maths, because ‘intelligent’ people are adept at it
46. I will not be stuck up when I meet new people for I might be labeled ‘snob’, I will not be overly friendly when I meet new people for I might be labeled ‘desperate’. I will not be confused not knowing what to do.
47. I will learn to play the guitar. Cool guys know how to.
48. I will not be random
49. I will not brood
50. I will not like Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy’s ‘Pyaar Ke Liye’ but I will like Rahman’s ‘Jiggy-Wiggy’ because it is Rahman, afterall.
51. I will not like Rani Mukherjee.
52. I will not relate with Phoebe Buffay/ Luna Lovegood
53. I will not crib about having to travel with dirty people in public vehicles. Political Incorrectness, I am told
54. I will not like Golmaal Returns
55. I will like Scarlett Johansson because normal guys do.
56. I will never be up to any mischief
57. I will know who I am
58. I will not love the smell of petrol.
59. I will not feel bad for the Coyote, and curse the Road Runner’s precociousness
60. I will not lose another mobile phone
61. I will learn to not hold grudges. This way, I’ll be a better person
62. I will not manipulate
63. I will not make fun of Ikshaku
64. I will be perfect
65. I will not live.



To which my dear friend Rudrani replied :


Quand Goswami est devenu fou (Corrections/Comments are done in Italics)

People don’t like me. UTTER UTTER LIE! BUT NO LONGER SO AFTER THIS NOTE.
They loathe me. NOW, MAYBE. TO THINK YOU'D BE INSECURE ENOUGH ABOUT YOURSELF TO DO THIS ... IT'S NOT LOATHING THOUGH, IT'S DISAPPOINTMENT
They are irritated with the way I am. *CHOKH KOTMOT*
My mum tells me if I stay the way I am, I shall find it difficult to survive in this world.
I relate with the trailers of ‘Wake Up Sid’, and I realize that being such a great shirker is not at all a good thing. DUDE, THEY ARE MUMS! THIS IS PART OF THEIR JOB DESCRIPTION! TO MAKE THEIR KIDS FEEL LIKE VERMIN-INFESTED APES. WHY RID THEM OF THIS SIMPLE JOY?
I have realized I need to be a certain way to exist in today’s world, I have realized I need to be just another brick in the wall, because if I tend to differ, the world will point out how horribly mindfucking an undoing I am to the entire aesthetic beauty of the wall, and will not allow me to rest until I have camouflaged myself according to how the rulebooks would have me be. SEE THE WHOLE BRICK THING, MAKES FOR A REALLY GOOD SONG! BUT HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU KID, YOU AREN'T PINK FLOYD, SO STOP BOTHERING ABOUT IT ! HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO ITALY? OR MEXICO? BHERY BHERY PRETTY! PARTLY COZ NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT WHAT THEIR WALLS LOOK LIKE! IT'S ALL JAZZED UP! WHO WANTS A PLAIN WALL WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A ORNATE ONE?

Thus, I have resolved to change myself in the following ways.

College Resolutions :
1. I will attend all classes, including the pass classes. IF YOU WANT TO, SURE! BUT ALWAYS ... NAH! CLASSES ARE KINDA OVERRATED. ESPECIALLY YOU MUST NEVER BURDEN YOUR BRAINS WITH THE CLASSES THAT CONSIST OF ARCHAIC VERBAGE THAT DOES NOTHING FOR YOU! OKKE?
2. I will not climb the tree adjacent to the canteen WHY DEPRIVE YOUR SYSTEM OF THE EXERCISE?
3. I will not apply hair-gel THAT IS THE ONE GOOD THING I HAVE SEEN SO FAR :P
4. I will not play hide-and-seek EBABA! OUTRAGEOUS! ETA PATI MENE NEWA JACHHENA
5. I will not hit girls back when they hit me JUST AVOID THE RACK, AND YOU SHOULD BE OK WITH THIS ONE!
6. I will not get a camera to college CARTIER ER NATI AMAR, JUSTIFY THIS ONE ....
7. I will not visit the tank BESH NONGRA AR DURGONDHO JAEGA, KINTU MAJHE MODHYE GELE SHOJHYO SHOKTI BARBE
8. I will not order soft-drinks in the canteen AND MISS OUT ON THE TINY GLASSES OF DUBIOUS SMELLING LIQUID THAT I SUSPECT IS SPURIOUS COKE, HARGIS NAHI!
9. I will take down notes, buy atleast a few books ETA KORAI JAE! TEMON CHAAP NEI
10. I will not shout, laugh out loudly , won’t be ‘loud’ in general MAJHE MAJHE NA CHECHALE, PRACTICE CHOLE JABE. TOKKHON JOKHON SHOTTI I PROTIBAAD KORTE CHECHANO DORKAR, DEKHBI AR PARCHHISHNA. BEING 'LOUD' ER I TO BOYESH BOSS, PORE GOMBHIR WHITE COLLAR KAKU HOWA JABE KHON! KEMON?
11. I will not pair any of my classmates up with other people just to tease them ARRE, MOST COUPLES ARE BORN OUT OF THIS! OTOEB, ETA NA KORLE, YOU DEPRIVE A LOT OF PEOPLE OF LOVE, BUZLA?
12. I will stay within my limits DEFINE LIMITS
13. I will not dance to vulgar steps a la the ‘Raat Ke Dhai Baje’ Step HAVE YOU SEEN THE DANCE? OTA KE RESIST KORA JAENA! EROM KORLE CONSPITATION HOBE!
14. I will not wear shorts(esp. checked ones) to college AT LEAST LAAL TA PORISH! PLICCH PLICHH
15. I will wear tees to college, only full-sleeved shirts GOROM KALE GHAMACHI HOBE!
16. I will not wear a hair-band to college YOU HAVE MY FULL SUPPORT!
17. I will not photograph anyone without their permission AIYO! TEHELKA MONE ACHHE? PERMISSION CHHARA CHHOBI NITE REFUSE KORLE ESHOB KOKKHONO HOTO?
18. I will not behave like a girl COMMENTS RESERVED
19. I will not smile like there’s no tomorrow HERE'S THE SECRET KID, THERE IS NO TOMORROW!
20. I will not go “Goggiieee” when I see the pups near the canteen ORA DUKHHU PABE TOH! OTA PRAANI NIRJATON HOE JABE!
21. I will never visit the Quadrangle ETA KI?
22. I will respect my seniors UNLESS THEY ARE COMPLETE BITCHES/BASTARDS!
23. I will respect everyone’s feelings even if they don’t respect mine :) :) :)
24. I will call no one names even if I find them bitching about me. AC OCCASIONAL TUM FAB FAALE KUTTE HO NEVER HURT ANYONE!
25. I will be a career-oriented person. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, UNLESS IT'S AT THE COST OF ANOTHER FACET OF ZE PERSONALITY
26. I will be best friends with Pranabes Dutta EKE AMI CHININA, TOBE EKE AMAR MOTEO POCHHONDO HOCHHE NA
27. I will try to like Sambojyoti Biswas , will not think of him as filth SAME AS ABOVE
28. I will not check out girls SAME AS THE PUPS! ORA DUKKHU PABE. THIS IS THE MUCH NEEDED EGO BOOST FOR THEM.
29. I will not wear slippers to college, only 1990’s cheap-shoes. VINTAGE IS COOL, UNLESS THESE ARE PUMP SHOES!
30. I will not raindance infront of professors. MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA! BUT THEN I HAVE DONE DHAN TA NAN IN FRONT OF MY HOD. HE DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND MUCH! YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK THEM TO JOIN YOU AND BE SURPRISED :D

Life Resolutions:
1. I will not want to be Peter Pan MANCHHINA
2. I will not dream of making movies MANBONA
3. I will not go looking for Neverland PUJO R CHHUTI PORLEI KHUJTE JABO. KEMON? MORE IMPORTANTLY, PEYEO JABO!
4. I will not drink coffee SHORIR ER POKKHE BHALO! KINTU CAFFEIN BRAIN ER FUEL ! OTOEB, YOU SHALL BE FORCEFED (DRUNK??) COFFEE
5. I will get hair-cuts on time
6. I will not make anti-Assamese racist jokes ARE IKSHAKU DUKKHU PABE JE!
7. I will not switch on the fan when my mom is cold AWWLE!
8. I will not play Farmville VERY ANNOYING! BUT IT'S PART OF BEING RITWIK GOSWAMI, AND HENCE, NA KHELLE MARBO!
9. I will not relate with the black-sheep while playing Farmville hEE hEE
10. I will try to give up on Facebooking *NARROWS EYES* IS THIS MOCKING ME?
11. I will not use nyaka-lingo like ‘nyaka’, ‘re’, ‘Ahare’ AHAREEEE!
12. I will hate Hindi, because it is cool to. WHAT RUBBISH! ONE MUST NOT INSULT RASHTRA BHASHA
13. I will hate Bangla, because it is cool to. THEN HO WILL YOU SAY GANDU?
14. I will hate Hindi and Bangla, even though I love them both, because English is for the cool-kids YOU IS AN UNKOOL-KID AND WE LUURVE YOU THAT WAY, OKKE?
15. I will not be such an uncool-kid M'DEAR ARORA, SEE ABOVE
16. I will love army-movies THAT TOH IS OKKE! KHUB KANNA KATI KORLE HORMONAL BALANCE THIK HOE JAE! AR A 'BORDER' ONCEINAWHILE ENSURES EXACTLY THAT.
17. I will hate the Faraway Tree because I’m a kid no longer SHUTUP, KID!
18. I will hate the Harry Potter series because it is a sell-out IT IS, BUT IT IS KINDA LIKE YOU (OR ME) - WE LOVE IT DESPITE THE FLAWS!
19. I will dislike Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay OY HOMOPHOBIA! MARBO TENE EK CHOR!
20. I will support homosexuality in a debate-competition and then later laugh about gay people AND I TOH WILL TOTALLY KILL YOU!
21. I will not ask for Ray-Ban sunglasses THERE ARE COOL FAKE ONES AT GARIAHAT, WHICH WILL HAVE TO DO TILL YOU GO WHITE COLLAR KAKU AND CAN BUY ONE FOR YOURSELF
22. I will not like Joan Baez AND I WILL THEN NOT LIKE RITWIKGOSWAMI
23. I will not whine if my iTunes doesn’t read my iPod
24. I will be politically aware
25. I will hate the rain because adults face a lot of inconvenience whenever it rains GANDU!
26. I will hate Bollywood because it stoops down to plagiarism, and Hollywood doesn’t(nevermind those countless reproductions of K-horror and J-horror flicks) SAME AS ABOVE!
27. I will be responsible
28. I will not sleep till 1 pm
29. I will not want to consume bullets for breakfast and piranhas for lunch AND I WILL SHOVE A BAZOOKA DOWN YOUR THROAT!
30. I will not compose insanely sugar-coated poems like Colourfly YOU WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING AGAINST ZE COLOURFLY OR I WILL YANK YOUR RIBCAGE OUT AND WEAR IT AS A TOPHAT
31. I will remember that triphenylmethyl radical was the first free radical discovered
32. I will remember that only losers are interested in the love stories of their favorite actors BLEH!
33. I will not confuse Gauss’s Theorem with Ampere’s Circuital law
34. I will know how to differentiate and double-differentiate functions that resemble the Russian script.
35. I will not be skeptical about Obama’s intentions. HMPH
36. I will always think, ‘Yes, I can’. Only losers are ever insecure. AND YET, THIS IS A DEMONSTRATION OF INSECURITY ITSELF! AND YET, THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO KNOCK SENSE INTO YOU SO THAT YOU REALIZE YOU AREN'T BLOODY IRON MAN AND ISSOKAY TO BE ALL FUDGED UP FROM TIME TO TIME
37. I will not show-off that I know the capitals of most of the countries of today’s segregated world
38. I will truly repent that I never took my engineering Joint-entrance exams despite scoring a 93.5% with sciences in my School-final(ISC) exams. NAH! NO OFFENCE TO KD, ENGINEERS ARE BORING PEEPAL!
39. I will not want to be a globe-trotter AND YET, WE SHALL FORCEFULLY TAKE YOU ALONG TO TROT THE GLOBE. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!
40. I will be happy to end up with a job in an office-cubicle :( :( :( :(
41. I will be a typical Bangali, and like Maachh-bhaat TYPICAL BANGALIS ARE COOL. MACHH BHAAT ISN'T.
42. I will not be proud of my Jharkhand-small town upbringing. I will only talk about my Army upbringing. POKE POKE POKE POKE POKE POKE
43. I will not like Calcutta because it is a laid-back city, despite the fact that this very city has been home to my grandparents, and parents and my sister and me. CALCUTTA IS HEAVEN ON EARTH! BAS! AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE TO THIS, I'LL MANGLE YOUR BALLS! I SWEAR
44. I will pretend that I hated Biology in school since guys who like it are effeminate AND YET, GUYS ARE AS SEX STARVED AS THEY ARE! HAH, GUYS LOVE BIOLOGY! AND CHEMISTRY! AND YES, THIS IS A LAME JOKE. BUT I HAVE A FEVER. SO LAUGH ANYWAYS.
45. I will like Maths, because ‘intelligent’ people are adept at it
46. I will not be stuck up when I meet new people for I might be labeled ‘snob’, I will not be overly friendly when I meet new people for I might be labeled ‘desperate’. I will not be confused not knowing what to do. BE RITWIK GOSWAMI ! HE SEEMS OK EVEN WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK AND HATE THE WORLD! XD
47. I will learn to play the guitar. Cool guys know how to.
48. I will not be random OVERRULED
49. I will not brood MAJHE MAJHE BROOD KORLE SKIN BHALO HOY!
50. I will not like Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy’s ‘Pyaar Ke Liye’ but I will like Rahman’s ‘Jiggy-Wiggy’ because it is Rahman, afterall. THERE S A SONG CALLED JIGGY WIGGY???
51. I will not like Rani Mukherjee.
52. I will not relate with Phoebe Buffay/ Luna Lovegood THEREBY LOSING OUT RELATING YOURSELF TO TWO OF THE COOLEST FICTIONAL CHARACTERS EVER
53. I will not crib about having to travel with dirty people in public vehicles. Political Incorrectness, I am told AND CAPRICORN SNOBBERY!
54. I will not like Golmaal Returns
55. I will like Scarlett Johansson because normal guys do. WELL SHE IS RATHER WELL ENDOWED
56. I will never be up to any mischief NOT EVEN WHITE MISCHIEF?
57. I will know who I am I AM WHAT YOU SEE/ I AM NOT WHAT THEY SAY/ BUT IF I TURNED OUT TO BE/ COULD YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY? LALALLALA
58. I will not love the smell of petrol. SHORIR ER POKKHE BHALO! KINTU KINTU ... IT'S A PWEETY SMELL TOH =(
59. I will not feel bad for the Coyote, and curse the Road Runner’s precociousness PIP PIP! =P
60. I will not lose another mobile phone MIGHT JUST BE AN IDEA!
61. I will learn to not hold grudges. This way, I’ll be a better person GANDU! GRUDGE BURNS CALORIES!
62. I will not manipulate
63. I will not make fun of Ikshaku EBABA! EBABA! EBABA! AND IKSHAKU WILL THEREFORE LIVE THE REST OF HIS LIFE FEELING INCOMPLETE AND DISORIENTED
64. I will be perfect PERFECTION IS RATHER OVERRATED. FLAWLESSNESS IS RATHER ENDEARING!
65. I will not live. AS THIS SHOULD DEMONSTRATE, SOME BUTTFACE LOONEY MISCREANT OR THE OTHER WILL TRY THEIR VERY BEST TO PULL YOU THROUGH EVERY TIME YOU GET SUCH AN IDEA!



Much love,

R


HaHa, Completely Hilarious....

5 comments:

Rudrani Gangopadhyay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pongy Papaya said...

frigging long!

nice will nots.
so you aint living or are you?

Ritwik Goswami said...

living?
i dunno whether i am.

but if rainbows were edible,
would YOU live??

Ruchi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ruchi said...

OMG! This is good! :O
Did you follow them? :P