June 7, 2010

Malhotra behne, Sachchai ko pehne

1.The Malhotra sisters – Rukhsar, Inkie and Pinky lived with their parents in a huge palace in the beautiful hamlet of Kangra in Himachal Pradesh. Inkie and Pinky were born to Mr. and Mrs. Rohan and Sue Bo(ngolo)lona Malhotra, while the eldest of the daughters had been rescued by the couple from a Karachi-girl-child-trafficking-cycle, earning themselves a lot of international fame, another child(with a Muslim name) and a humongous amount of money, which they invested in building the palace for themselves.

2.As luck would have it, during the India-Pakistan Water War of 2015, a Pakistani extra-potent missile flew all the way to Himachal Pradesh, and destroyed the Malhotra Palace, killing the Malhotra parents. Thus, one fine morning, the Malhotra sisters-Rukhsar-22,Inkie-20 and Pinky-18, found themselves orphaned, and homeless.

3.The Government of India helped the sisters re-trace their roots back to Calcutta, where the sole-surviving relatives of the Malhotras lived. Mr. Aravind Bose, an estranged brother to Mrs. Bongololona Malhotra nee Bose, and his wife stayed in Jodhpur Park in Calcutta. The Boses took the sisters in, gave them refuge, but they had to be forced into doing this by the Calcutta High Court.

4. Mrs. Adrija Bose was a downright cruel lady. A true Bangali lady, she stuck to her Jibonando Das, her Satyajit Ray, and hence refused to adjust with the Himachali Hindi(or for that matter, Hindi at all) that the sisters spoke. She forced them to learn Bengali and tortured them day-in and day-out. The Boses had a gay son called Babai, who often masturbated right in front of guests and visitors and his parents. Despite his obnoxiousness, the Bose parents were blind to Babai’s flaws.

5. The Boses wanted to get rid of the sisters as soon as they could. So they married Rukhsar off to the eldest son of the neighboring Ray-household. The Ray parents- Anwesha Ray and Arghya Brata Ray believed in a matriarchal society, so the husband had taken up the wife’s surname.

6. The eldest Ray son, Vicky Ray, was a Probashi Bangali, who had attended University in Uganda, and was due to be appointed the Indian Ambassador to Kampala. He was cultured, chivalrous, and well-spoken, but not very fluent in Bangla. Rukhsar was married off to Vicky Ray, and sent off to Kampala. Inkie and Pinky were happy for their elder sister. Mrs. Bose started plotting their marriage too.

7. The news of the death of Rukhsar left Inkie and Pinky shattered. Vicky Ray said she was cruelly stabbed and killed by hungry Ugandans, but Inkie and Pinky knew there was more to that story than met the ears.

8. To solve this murder mystery, Inkie and Pinky now wanted to get married to Vicky. They thought they’d solve the feud regarding who has to endure the (as-they-suspected)-monster Vicky by herself within their own. They hatched their proposal to their Maami, Mrs. Bose, who gladly lapped up the idea, for she, as we know, wanted to get rid of her nieces.

9. The Ray parents, guilty of the death of Rukhsar, wanted to make amends. Pinky, the younger sister, and the more beautiful of the two surviving, was married off to Vicky Ray. The uglier Inkie Ray(infamous for her Ink-dark complexion), accepted marriage to Vicky Ray’s Assamese tribal servant Ooga Booga Bezbaroa, not because she was desperate to get married, but because she wanted to solve the murder mystery of Rukhsar, and not wait in Calcutta under Adrija Bose’s captivity for the news of Pinky’s death too.

10. In Kampala, Inkie and Pinky spent a month or two quite clueless. Their incessant search for their sisters’ murderer’s identity(they were quite sure who it was, they needed proofs) led them nowhere. Meanwhile, they established a very strong friendship with Vicky Ray’s gardener Leechu Kiwalima, and his pregnant ex-lingerie-model wife Mrs. Boobie Kiwalima, It amused the girls that the gardener should have a Bengali name of a fruit.

11. Gradually it kept getting difficult for Inky and Pinkie to stay in Kampala because like natural men,both Vicky Ray and Ooga Booga Bezbaroa wanted sex, but the sisters didn’t want to do them. One sister had revenge on her mind, while the other felt no attraction towards her tribal husband.

12. One evening, Mrs. Boobie Kiwalima invited the sisters over to their place for she had given birth to a son(at home, of course), who they named Poontai.

13. While she was attending to other guests, she left the baby under Inkie’s custody. The sisters were alone in a room with the 5 day old Ugandan baby, when he opened his mouth and started to speak in chaste Himachali Hindi, in Rukhsar’s voice.

14. He(or she) said, the truth was, Vicky Ray is a very very perverted man, who had a little sex-slave called Goldcoinuma Meowoof, a 13 year old Ugandan girl hidden in his Kampala apartment. Rukhsar herself had, one day, walked in on her husband performing BDSM with the minor, and had receded into depression. She had had no one to speak to about her plight. One day at night, Vicky Ray, drunk, had stormed into her room and hit her very hard with the extra-tough brinjals Leechu had cultivated in the garden. This had resulted in her death.

15. While the story was being narrated, Leechu walked into the room. He was shocked to hear his five-day old son speaking, and with a voice of a girl of twenty. He nearly fainted. To save him a lot of ordeal, Inkie and Pinky decided to reveal to Leechu what the matter was.

16. On getting to know the reality, Leechu went into a guilt-trip because he felt HIS brinjals indirectly caused Rukhsaar’s death. He promised to cultivate special Potassium Cyaninde( KCN) tomatoes in the farm, that Vicky Ray would take to the Annual Inter-Embassy Best Cultivated Vegetable Competition, and have guests and other Ugandan dignitaries consume.

17. The plan worked perfectly. The cyanide tomatoes Vicky Ray presented at the meet caused severe poisoning on the judges, celebrities and visitors at the event. This resulted in the arrest of Vicky Ray.

18. Vicky Ray was sentenced to be hanged till death. Moments before the hanging, he confessed to all the crimes he had committed, begging for forgiveness from Inkie and Pinky. He also said Goldcoinuma had been sent back to her village, and he was personally funding her education. He said that he had never intended to kill Rukhsar. He said, if Rukhsar hadn’t died, he would only be a very perverted man, like Tiger Wood, but the fact that Rukhsar had died as a result of his brinjal assault made him a very perverted ‘murderer’.

19. Before he was hanged, he kept smiling like Bhagat Singh and Khudiram Bose and sang a self-composed song, “Baal Chhirte Abaar Kobey Parbo? Classic Cigarette phoonktey abar kobe paarbo?” It was clear, he was very relaxed after having admitted to his crime. Nobody remembered the tomato-crime as such, because no one had died in that story. He attained heaven because he was just a murderer-by chance, a good-at-heart BDSM addict.

20. After this, Inkie and Pinky told Ooga Booga Bezbaroa the reality of everything. They made it clear Inkie wouldn’t have sex with him.He was sent back to Calcutta. Inkie and Pinky Malhotra became local legends in Uganda. They were adopted by Leechu-Boobie, and thus had their sister Rukhsar back as a sibling in Poontai. Inkie decided to turn lesbian and got married to Ugandan supermodel Nimashiva Ultrasexa. Pinky was always into dark men, so she too married a dark Gujarati-Indian-Ugandan businessman and relocated to London, where she became a soap actress. She later had two beautiful daughters called Raa Ee and Tit Lee. Poontai, who was Rukhsar in actuality, stayed gender confused through out her life, but later got hitched with a Paki-Brit guy called Rono Moza.