May 8, 2010

Conform.I did too.

Whenever I look out of my bedroom window nowadays in the evenings, I see three guys hanging out lazily and chatting late into the night on the rooftop of the building being constructed on the plot next to our apartment block. This, together with the fact that it has rained every-evening this week(thus making it one of my coolest Mays so far),brings to absolute recall the characters- Joey, Chandler or Ross from Friends/ Barney, Ted and Marshall from ‘How I Met Your Mother’.

Today, in AC’s statistics classes, when as is usual, I couldn’t prompt him in the scribbling down of derivations (because, well, I haven’t studied one bit), he looked at me, and then looked at the remaining students and said “O porey na, kintu taao okey kichhu bolte parina. Raag hoy, kintu dekhate parina. Ki mishti heshe dey dekho... theek jeno beral chhana..” (He will never study, but I can’t get myself to rebuke him. I get angry, but can’t express my anger… Look at that sweet smile on his face. Just like a tiny kitten). The class around me was in splits.

These days I’ve been remembering Akash and Sia a lot. I think they want to haunt me to the other side as well. Suhrid has been very difficult after Sia left us all,he hasn’t yet come down from Dubai. Sameera and Kaaya still weep inconsolably at times. Over the phone though. That is a life I have left so far behind, so, so far behind. The ghosts still trouble me at times. Traffic jams and crowded streets freak me out still. I have lied a lot here and there. Lines have faded between the two compositions but I would go on to the other side gladly if only they would take me with them.
They are none of them on Facebook which makes life more difficult. Of course, I conformed. Probably this city made me conform. All of them however have been very kind to me. We wrote Kreanjalie off within days of her departure, but they have still patiently clung on to me. Probably because the vaporisation of two of us has made us learn to value each other more.

I think I’m just known to be a very uni-dimensional person now because of the things I do. I think I’m growing up and conforming into an ideal existence where I can not breathe.

One thing about me that has still not changed is how people still intimidate me. It’s odd though, how I, despite never having suffered from inferiority complexes of any sort, find people so intimidating. I need to learn to speak out. And, yes, ‘conform’, in the process.
I’ve conformed so much. And despite all these, despite having lost my identity, I’m not unhappy. I parade around the city happily, with my newest closest friends for company, and well, I don’t miss the old times any more.

Well, I think this one should end here coz it is all a lot of pointless blabbing.

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